THE REASONS WHY OUR CHILDREN LEAVE THE CHURCH
Today is Mothers Day, the day we celebrate the women who gave us life and nurtured us to become the people we are today. That may include both our biological mothers and also those who acted as mothers for us. It can include grandmothers, step-mothers and God mothers. It includes whoever you want it to include, whoever you think of as “mother”.
Mothers do many things and have a tremendous impact on how their children grow and mature. As Christian mothers, one of the that you always strive to do is raise your children in the faith of Jesus. Almost all of us, mothers and fathers alike, have tried to raise our children in the faith. We prayed with them at bed time and said grace at every meal. We read them stories from the children’s Bible. We took them to Sunday School and youth group and church.
And sometimes those children who we raised in the faith, just continue on being faithful and continue to grow in faith. But more often then we like to admit, many of our precious children begin to question their faith. I want to talk about that this Mothers Day because it’s a big issue. It is filled with uncertainty, apprehension and even fear. But all is not lost. There is also hope and I want to share that today as well.
There comes a point in the life of every child when they start asking tough questions about faith and why we believe what we believe and they wonder if they believe the same things. As I said, that can be very upsetting for many parents because they think they did all the stuff that they were supposed to do to bring their children to Christ. So how come their children are asking those tough question and maybe even wondering if God exists at all. How we handle that as mothers and fathers is very important.
I want to start by saying that it is perfectly normal and natural for our children to question their faith. When they are young they believe what we teach them. We simply transfer our faith onto them and like little sponges they soak it up just like everything else we teach them. But as they get older they begin to question things. In fact, they begin to question all sorts of things, not just their faith. And then there comes a point in life when they need to stop believing what their parents believe and start to work out what they themselves believe. It’s a process of growing and maturing. And that’s good because, when they finally stand before God, God will not ask them what their parents believed. He will ask them what they believe. Their faith ultimately has to be their faith.
Something happens to our children when they get into their late teens and early twenties. The research shows some interesting trends. Children tend to be more religious in their early teens. When asked, “How important are your religious beliefs?”, 63% of 13 to 15 year olds say that it is very important. That goes down to 52% of 16 to 17 year olds. Then something really dramatic happens. At age 18, 88% of children from evangelical Christian homes leave the church. Did you get that number? Of our children who were raised in Christian homes, who went to Sunday School and youth group, with whom we did bedtime prayers and to whom we read stories from the children’s Bible, 88% of them – nearly nine out of ten – will leave the church after their 18th birthday. And it will break our hearts and we will be upset and we may come to the conclusion that we have failed as Christian parents to pass on to our children that which is most important in life which is our relationship with Jesus Christ.
Why is that? What happens at age 18 that causes such a drastic shift? What happens is that they graduate from high school. Many of them go off to college or university. Some of them get jobs. All of them become more independent and begin to make their own decisions. And one of those decisions tends to be that they no longer want to go to church.
But in some ways, while this might break our hearts, we should not really be all that surprised. That’s because, when we are honest with ourselves, most of us broke our parents’ hearts too. Most of us here today took a church hiatus as young adults. And if we did, why should we expect our children to be any different. They are, after all, our children.
But here’s the next question:Why do they leave? A Barna survey in 2011 showed some interesting results about why young adults leave the church. There were a number of reasons but I want to deal with the top three. Here they are.
Reason #1 – Churches seem overprotective. Today’s young adults have unprecedented access to ideas and worldviews. They also tend to express a desire to connect their faith in Christ to the world in which they live. And yet too often they experience Christianity – at least as it is expressed in many churches – as being stifling, fear-based and risk-adverse. They say things like, “Christians demonize everything outside the church.” And, “Churches ignore the real problems of the world,” and, “My church is too concerned that movies, music and video games are harmful.” Churches seem overprotective.
Reason #2 – Churches come across as antagonistic to science. This is a huge one. Here are three things that the Barna survey indicated. First, young adults are put off by Christians who are too confident that they know all the answers. Second, they also think that the church is out of step with the scientific world we live in. Third, they are totally turned off by the creation-versus-evolution debate. While there will always be exceptions, on the whole, when the topic is raised, they either shut down or walk away. And so young Christians who are scientifically minded are struggling to find ways to stay faithful to their beliefs while maintaining their intellectual integrity. The Church cannot come across as being antagonistic to science. It’s a lose-lose situation and there is no upside to it.
Reason #3 – The church feels unfriendly to those who doubt. Understanding this is crucial. Young adults say that the church is not a place that allows them to express their doubts and that they do not feel safe admitting that sometimes Christianity does not make sense to them. And when they finally do find the courage to ask questions, they feel that the responses that they get are trivial. They don’t feel safe enough to express their doubts and so they don’t disclose them or have them dealt with in an effective way.
Those are the big three reason. Churches seem overprotective. They come across as being anti-science. And the church feels unfriendly to those who doubt.
RESPONDING TO DOUBTS
So, how do we respond? Here’s what often happens. Your son or daughter goes off to university in September. It’s the first time they’ve been away from home for an extended period of time. They come home at Thanksgiving and decide that they don’t want to go to worship with you on Sunday morning even though that’s part of the family tradition since forever. But you don’t think much of it because they were out late on Saturday night reconnecting with their high school friends who are also home for Thanksgiving. But then they come home at Christmas and they don’t seem all that eager to join in the family grace. You realize that something might be going on and at some point get around to asking if something has happened while they were away.
It might be at that point that the truth comes out. “Yes Mom, there is a problem. At university, I’ve learned so many things and I’ve been exposed to so many new ideas. And so much of it seems to conflict with the way I’ve been raised. I don’t know how to reconcile what I’ve learned in science with what the Bible has to say. In fact, I don’t see how they can be reconciled. And the philosophy class that I took poked so many holes in Christianity that I just don’t know what I believe anymore. In fact, I’m not sure that I even believe in God.”
And your heart sinks and your mind goes back to the days when your little girl used to sit on your lap reading Bible stories and your little boys used to take turns blowing out the prayers candle after bedtime prayers. And you remember the Mothers Day gift that your child made for you in Sunday School that is still on your nightstand beside your bed. And your pulse begins to race. And then you get angry that a bunch of egotistical university professors could undo in a few short months what you tried so long and lovingly to build.
And then there’s a real temptation to do two things. The first one is to get angry and start to express that anger at the school system, at society, maybe even at your child. The second thing is that you immediately shoot back at your child all the evidence that you have for why God exists and why faith is important and why they need to get back with the programme. How do you think this will work out? Neither option will work out very well. Either one will result in your child shutting down and changing the subject. And you just blew an opportunity to do something positive.
Before doing anything, one thing you should do is pause, take a deep breath, rejoice and be thankful that your child feels safe enough to raise those doubts with you. Remember the third reason why young adults stop going to church; it’s because they don’t feel that it is a safe place to share their doubts. Don’t reinforce that notion in your own home. Rather, listen to the words that we read this morning from 1 Peter 3:15b-16 (NIV) which say: “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behaviour in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.”
Let’s just spend a few minutes unpacking what that might look like. First of all, always be prepared to give an answer to anyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. There are two things that I want to say about this verse. First, it says that you need to be prepared to give an answer. You need to know what and why you believe. I’m not saying that you need a master’s degree in theology. But you do need to know the basics tenets of the Christian faith. All of us are sinners because all of us blow it and that sin separates us from God who is holy. But God loves us anyway and came to us in Jesus Christ to reconcile us and make us new. He died on the cross to pay the price of our sins and rose again for our salvation so that all who put their faith in him will live eternally in God’s kingdom. That’s all you have to know about theology and you can all do that. But you also need to be prepared to share something else. You need to know the positive difference that your faith has made in your life and why it is important to you. That’s the gift that you bring to the conversation and that’s often what makes it real for other people because if faith doesn’t make a difference in your life right now, then what’s the point? Be prepared to tell how it makes a difference. Be prepared to answer.
The second point is key. It says to be prepared to give an answer to anyone who asks. Note that last phrase which says, “to anyone who asks.” There is only one correct response when your child comes home from the first semester at university and begins to express doubts to you. All you have to do is listen. At this point they are not asking you to tell them anything. They have simply said that they want to talk. And even though you will be tempted to blurt out all the reasons why you believe what you believe, just take a chill pill, zip your lips together and be quiet because your child has just given you one of the most precious gifts they can give you. They have said, “Mom or Dad, can I talk with you about something that’s important to me?” Treasure that moment. At that point, your child does not need to get into a discussion. They don’t need you to argue with them about theology or the Bible. They just needs to talk so let them talk. Your time to respond will come. It may not come today or tomorrow or next week or even next year but it will come so be patient. And make sure, going back to the first point, that you are prepared when that time comes to let them know the reason why you believe and why you have hope.
WITH GENTLENESS AND RESPECT
Let’s move on to 1 Peter 3:15c-16 (NIV) which says, “But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.” When the time finally comes and God opens the door for you to share why you have the hope that you have in Christ, do it with gentleness and respect. You don’t need to bring out the big guns and start blasting down all the reason that skeptics have put into your children’s heads. Be gentle and respectful.
I admit that this is one area where I struggle. 30 years in the army made me very mission oriented. I see a problem, I name it and I confront it directly. No shmoozing. No beating around the bush. Here’s the problem. Let’s deal with it and move on. That works very well for me. But what I have sometimes yet to learn is that it doesn’t always work so well for other people. My mission oriented approach may, in fact, end up with mission failure if I am not gentle and respectful. So be gentle and respectful as Scripture calls us to be. Your time to respond will come. Have the patience to wait for it.
Remember that earlier we said that one of the main reasons young adults leave the church is because the church seems antagonistic to science and that the whole creation-verses-evolution debate tends to be a massive turn off. But at the same time they have probably had all sorts of atheists and skeptics using that very topic to sew doubts into their heads and purposely and gleefully trying to turn our children whom we love away from their faith. But don’t worry about that right now. Just listen to what your child has to say.
And when the time is right be prepared to tell them why you find no conflict between science and the Bible. That’s because the Bible is not about science. It might contain science just like it contains history and geography and astronomy and poetry and parables. But it isn’t about any of those things. The Bible is about the saving acts of God through Jesus Christ. That is the central theme of the Bible, that is what it is about and that is all that it is about.
There is no conflict between the Bible and science because they talk about different things. When the two interact – and they often do – be clear that while science talks about the when and the how, the Bible talks about the who and the why. To put it more clearly, science talks about when things were created and how that happens while the Bible talks about who did the creating and why. The only time there is a conflict between the Bible and science is when people try to make the Bible say things that God never intended the Bible to say. Don’t be afraid to tell your child that you believe both what the Bible says and what science says. There really is no conflict when you truly understand both.
REASONS FOR HOPE
The final verse I want to point to this morning is 1 Peter 3:17 (NIV) which says, “It is better, if it is God’s will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.” None of us likes to suffer and yet as we prepare to offer an explanation for the hope that we have we need to be aware that suffering might be part of that. What kind of suffering am I talking about?
First of all, there is the suffering of watching your child whom you have lovingly nurtured and raised in the faith struggle to discover what they believe. That can hurt and can even keep you up at night. But put it in God’s hands. You have done all you can do and you just have to trust in God’s Spirit to move in the heart of your child. As hard as that is, it is what you have to do.
How else do you suffer? You suffer by keeping quiet so that your child has a safe place to share their doubts. It is so hard sometimes just to keep silent and listen. What we often do when we hear people talk is think about how we will respond. Don’t do that. Don’t concentrate on what you will say next. Put 100% of your energy into listening and let your child know that you care enough to do that. That’s hard but it is what you have to do.
We also suffer in patience. It is so hard to be patient and just wait for your children to work through their doubts and for God to work on their spirits. But patient you must be. Issues of faith and God are not simple ones that can be reconciled in two weeks. Sometimes it takes two years, sometimes two decades. But being patient and supportive is the best thing you can do.
Why suffer? Because there is a purpose to it and this is the good news that I want to share with you. Yes, chances are that our children will leave the church at some point. Remember that most of us did too. But remember also, that all of us here today somehow managed to find our way back. Research, in fact, tells us that about 70% of those who leave the church as young adults will eventually return later in life. It might be when they want to get married or start having a family. It might be when they are going through a difficult time in life and yearn for something that is missing. It might be because a minister or a friend reached out to them at just the right time. There are any number of reason why people come back but we do know that as people get older the seeds of faith that were sown in childhood begin to grow and blossom again.
The research also gives us some clues as to why they return and this is quite interesting. There are four things that should give parents hope. First, throughout life, parents continue to be the single greatest influence on their children’s faith no matter how old the children are. We forget that sometimes. We think that as our children get older, we become less of an influence. We might want to rethink that. While our influence may change it does not disappear. Second, when children see or hear that faith actually makes a difference in Mom and Dad’s lives, they are much more likely to follow suit. It is vital to let our children see that our faith in Jesus Christ makes a difference because, if it doesn’t make difference right here, right now, than why bother. Third, young adults are much more likely to share their parents’ beliefs if they feel that they have a close relationship with those parents. So it’s not just about building a relationship with God. Their relationship with you is of great importance. Build that one too. And fourth, young adults who leave the faith are far more likely to return when parents are patient and supportive. Remember that listening thing. Let them know that you love them and that you will be there for them no matter what their doubts or concerns might be.
So, on this Mothers Day, you see that all is not lost. There is hope. There is faith. God is not dead and his Spirit is alive. And you, as parents, have a great part to play. Play it well because, in the end, your temporary suffering will all be worth it when they claim the faith of Jesus as their own.
PRAYERS OF THE PEOPLE
We offer our thanks for the wonder of this Easter season. This is a time of resurrection and new life. May your Spirit so infuse us in a new ways that we will be vividly aware of your presence and praise you for all of the ways in which you have blessed us so abundantly.
You are the Potter and we are the clay. Mould us into vessels of your love so that we might share your Good News with honesty and integrity. You have given us an image of what we can be in the person of Jesus Christ. Through faith in him and by the power of the resurrection may we fulfill your mission for us in our day and generation. May we not shirk from duty but enter into your service with passion and zest.
We pray for those who suffer this day. There have been so many who have been harmed by wind and rain. We see the immensity of your power in floods and tornadoes and their destructive force challenges us to look at you anew. Send your healing, O God, into the lives of people whose livelihoods have been devastated and continue to be changed by these natural disasters. Bring your peace and free them and us from fear.
We lift up in prayer those of our community who are in need of your Healing Touch, Fill them to the brim with your grace that they may experience your presence even in the midst of illness. You are a God who desires that your children be well. Send your Holy Spirit upon us this day.
Help us, O God, to keep you as the focus of our lives; not only of our worship but also of our work, play and relaxation. In all things, help us to look towards you for you alone can fulfill our needs and make us whole. Only through the power of the cross are we able to come to you as whole and forgiven people. We lift our praise. We life our voices. We lift our hearts to you. Do your will within us and guide us in the way that we should go. We ask these prayers in Jesus’ Holy Name. Amen.
WORSHIP RESOURCE PAGE
May 14, 2023 / Easter 6
SCRIPTURE
Psalm 66:8-20; John 14:15-21; Acts 17:22-31; 1 Peter 3:13-22
CALL TO WORSHIP
Praise the Lord! Praise God in the Temple!
Praise the Lord! Praise his strength in heaven!
Praise the Lord! Praise the mighty things of God!
Praise the Lord! Praise his supreme greatness!
Praise the Lord! Praise God with harps and drums, flutes and cymbals.
May all living creatures praise the Lord!
PRAYER OF APPROACH
The earth rejoices and the heavens declare your greatness. The hills sing and the valleys cry out in gladness. The sea is yours for you made it. Your hands prepared the dry ground. You have opened to us your Holy Kingdom. You have made us citizens of your Heavenly Realm. Come to us now, Lord Jesus. Fill us anew with your Spirit as we worship and lift our lives in praise and thanksgiving.
PRAYER OF CONFESSION
You, O God, have created the mountains heights and the depths of oceans. You have strung the stars together and caused the planets to spin our their axis. Yet, like Thomas, we doubt. We ask for proof of your existence. We want evidence that your love for us is real. We demand that which we should already know by faith. Forgive us, God of Mercy, for our untrusting hearts. Help us to come, in faith, to your table with the gifts of assurance and grace.
ASSURANCE OF PARDON
When we doubt, Jesus comes to us and assures us of God’s love. When we mourn, Jesus comes to us, offering the soothing balm of God’s touch. When we repent and confess our sins, God forgives, forgets and brings healing to our brokenness.
DEDICATION OF OFFERING
Creation rejoices in the works of your hands. We, your people, praise you for the goodness of your abundance for us. We give, now, a portion of your gifts to the work of your Church. Bless these gifts and each giver, in Jesus’ name.
COMMISSIONING
Praise the Lord, all you people. Praise God in your comings and in your going. Praise God in the waking and in your sleeping. Praise God in your sorrow and in your joy. Praise God in your shouting and in your silence.
